Thursday, October 30, 2008


Best ever

My New Best Friend

My back has been aching lately. Enter this:

Oh, it is so good. I think I'm really audible in my enjoyment. My roommates keep referring to a certain diner scene in a certain Meg Ryan/Billy Crystal movie.

After several minutes, Liz asked, "Kim, can I have a turn on your porno machine?"

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wait, what?

Is this really happening? Are those words really on the screen? I'm alarmed that a candidate would encourage people to skip work on his campaign's behalf. What kind of work ethic does this demonstrate? The video says "You can't make history here," while pointing to a cubicle. What? This attitude completely discounts the value of hard work. (Something I feel Americans are struggling with as it is.) Whatever your job, whether you are a CEO or a homemaker or a waiter, there is honor in fulfilling your obligations. There is honor in working hard.

I am horrified. Absolutely horrified.

It's a dog's life.

I had a meeting downtown today. I spent some time afterward walking around the city and enjoying the beautiful day. As expected, I encountered several transients on my way.

It's astonishing how many homeless veterinarians there are in Salt Lake.

Mental note: that is one profession NOT to explore.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Funny moment

I usually set my alarm for 10-15 minutes before I actually have to get out of bed, allowing myself those few precious minutes to ease into consciousness. During my waking-up period this morning I curled up with my, um . . . well, I call it my pillow-husband. It's just a pillow that I often unconsciously cuddle with at night. (Am I setting myself up to be mocked?)

Anyway, this morning I spent a few extra minutes in my semi-wakeful state and found myself rushed to get out the door. After I stumbled out of bed I quickly made my bed before starting my day. In my hastiness, I just pulled the covers up around my pillow-husband and tucked them in all around.

Tonight when I got home from work, I entered my bedroom and burst out laughing. I had forgotten about my pillow-husband tucked safely in my bed; at first glance it looked as if someone was snoozing in my bed, a very short stocky someone.

By the way, this is my official 200th post on this blog. Should we have a give-away like SSB? Okay, leave me a comment and I'll pick a winner who gets something very special. Like we'll go get pineapple smoothies together or something. And if you live too far away, we can have virtual smoothies.

Bread Blobs

Liz and I ordered breadsticks from Papa John's tonight.

I opened the box and screeched, "What are these!?!"

From the other room, Liz yelled, "They're breadsticks!"

"Uh, more like bread blobs!" I yelled back.

Seriously, that's messed up.

You might not think this is funny (my roommates sure don't) but I've been laughing for an hour over it.

Halloween Prep

Last night I carved my Halloween pumpkin. (If you can't tell what it is, let me 'splain. That's a cat on the left and the bottom right says "Boo" and up top: that's the moon.)

Afterward, Liz and I practiced our scary faces. Take a long look because as soon as Liz finds out I posted this, it will be coming down like lightning. And also I may have to move.
Come on, Liz! This picture is priceless!

(The above is a doctored photo with Liz cropped out because someone is a whiny whiner from whinersburg.)

Monday, October 27, 2008

I like going to the park.

I sat in Liberty Park this afternoon and watched the leaves fall. There is a large elm tree on the south side of the pond under which I often sit to read, watch the ducks, and ponder the mysteries of life.

Today the waterfowl watched with me as the wind murmured through the mighty branches and graceful cascades of yellow and brown snowflakes tumbled all around us, brushing over my lap, tangling in my hair and showering the the water with delicate little plips.

The geese visited next, eying me expectantly until they ascertained I had nothing edible in my bag save a Special K bar in which they were decidedly uninterested. Gravely disappointed, my avian friends chastised me with their gentle squawks as they waddled nearby. Their leisurely pace was interrupted by a passing overly-friendly golden retriever. They hastily retreated to the safety of the water, their angry honks merged with eager barks and my laughter.

Oh, to sit on a bench in a park on a golden autumn day: this is the good life.

Go outside and enjoy the delightful fall. Go to the park. Watch the ducks. I might see you there.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hang on a second . . .

Something's missing . . .

Ah. There they are.

Love thy neighbor.

Dear Neighbor Across the Way,

Dude, I'm a nice person. Okay? I'm nice. So when your mail accidentally gets delivered to our box and I bring it over to your door, you don't have to grunt and slam the door in my face. Especially since you answered the door in your underthings and I kept a straight face the whole time. You think that was easy?

And yesterday when I was pulling out of the driveway and you were pulling in? Remember how I smiled and waved at you and you just rolled your eyes back at me, irritated with my very existence? Not very cool.

We're neighbors. Let's be friends.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Date Night

I had a date last night with this guy:

And this one:

This is where we ate:

This is what we ate:

Life is good.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Pretzel Problem

Whenever I eat hard pretzels, I first like to bite off the little nubbins on the bottom and then eat the rest. Today I opened a bag of pretzels at lunch and was shocked to find nubbin-less pretzels inside. Where are my pretzel nubbins?

I feel so cheated. These are not nearly as fun to eat.

That's the last time I buy store brand pretzels. I'm going back to Rold Gold. They know what makes a pretzel a pretzel.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Post this in a conspicuous location.

I tend to forget things if I don't write them down.
Hence my fondness for Post-Its.
Hence my computer looking like this:
Seriously? I see twelve of 'em. My boss just laughed when she saw this today.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I totally almost died.

I caught a black widow spider with my bare hands this week. That's right, I said my bare hands.
Pretty much every time I see a spider my first inclination is to kill the little bugger but when I saw a big black spider at work on Wednesday, I thought, "Hey, maybe I should catch that guy and show my students!" (I always have such great ideas . . .)

I grabbed a plastic jar and was trying to cajole the spider into the jar. It was pretty adamant about not going in the jar but I persisted. I had to pick it up (bare hands!) and place it in the jar with my left hand. (Hang on . . . shudder)

When I told one of the little girls I touched the spider she said, "Ms. Kim, that is so brave." She continued to tell me what she would do if she saw a spider. "I would step on it and then punch it. In the face. With a knife!"

I didn't punch it in the face, but I did give it a healthy dose of Raid. (I know, I know . . . "poor Charlotte." Whatever. You weren't there! It was huge!)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Ponder Point

Everybody what now?

Some days you may be feeling downtrodden and discouraged but then maybe your iTunes, which is set on random, will play C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" and then you'll be like, "Hey! Now this is a song!" and eveything will feel all better.

Also, you may find yourself in your bedroom wearing nothing but your skivvies when this song begins to play and you may feel a very strong inclination to do a funny dance and you also may be sure that your bedroom door is locked when you do your funny dance, but it's not locked and your roommates are watching you.

Trust me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Cry for help

Guys, I seriously have a problem. I'll admit that I have a problem. Okay, here goes . . .

My name is Kim and I am addicted to crossword puzzles. I have been doing them for years and I do at least one (or two or three or four) every day.

Do you think they've got a support group for this?

Indistinct Memory

I was right in the middle of a conversation with my coworker on Friday afternoon when my phone rang. I asked my coworker to "hold that thought" for a second while I grabbed the phone.

I remember my side of the conversation. It went something like this: "This is Kim. (pause) Hi! (pause) Yes, that's fine. (pause) Sure, I can do that. (pause) Sure. You're welcome. (pause) Okay. Bye."

I just can't remember the other side of that conversation. And I can't for the life of me remember just what I agreed to do. It's been bugging me all weekend.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Did anyone go outside today?

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.
~George Eliot

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Given to excessive outward display.

I don't know if this makes me a bad person, but I always think it's really pretentious when one refers to himself as an artist.

Doesn't it seem that a respectable artist must be called an artist by others? Quandaries like this beg the question, "Is it just me?"

Perhaps a more appropriate query would be, "Why does this stuff keep me up at night?"

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Warning: this may offend the world.

My favorite part of the debate tonight: when McCain referred to Obama as "that one."

The only thing that would have made it any better?

If he had said, "the brown one."

Debate Debacle

We had a second round of Debate Drinking Game tonight. Karen and Liz were drinking Diet Coke while I was chugging Evian.

Buzzwords of the night: pork barrel, greed, golden parachute, fundamental

Phrases we're glad we didn't choose: "my friends" and "one minute"

Most common phrase uttered in our living room: Bull****

Dude, this is totally like Conference Bingo.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Bonus Indeed

I had to go to the post office today and on the way back to work I stopped at a gas station to grab a Diet Pepsi. Yum!

But then I saw that the Diet Dr Pepper had a sign that said "BONUS! 5% MORE FREE!"

Sweet. I got the Dr Pepper instead. As I was driving back to the office, I did a few calculations in my head. Five percent of a twenty-ounce bottle is . . . one ounce. Two measly tablespoons more. Do two tablespoons merit a large yellow banner proclaiming "BONUS!"?

You want to know the best part? It totally worked on me. I bought it. Apparently, I am a sucker for garish advertising.

Spelling Lesson

I just walked into one of the classrooms at my school and saw a teacher making a list of words that start with "P" for her students.

My eye scanned down the list of words: pig, pancake, puppy, popcorn, penguin, pins, pencil.

Wait. Hold up. WHAT?

The word "pencil" was carefully lettered out: "P-E-N-C-L-E."

Lady, your job is to teach children. Okay? Learn to spell.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

VP Debate

Excerpt from the recent vice-presidential debate:

SP: Wall Street is full of greed and corruption.
JB: Bush is stupid.
SP: I'm from Alaska!
JB: I have to be nice because you're a girl.
SP: Wall Street is full of greed and corruption.
JB: Bush is stupid.
SP: Hey, let's talk about energy again.
JB: That's a bridge to nowhere.
SP: Say it ain't so, Joe.
JB: Bush is stupid.

Uniformly Opposed

My boss asked me last week, "Has there ever been any discussion about uniforms here?"

Uniforms? You gotta be kidding me.

Just so everyone is aware, I will quit my job if someone asks me to wear a uniform. I will just walk right out the door without thinking twice. I haven't worn a uniform since I got out of prison. And I'd like to keep it that way, please.

Sunday Night Confession

Sometimes, as a poor college student, I couldn't afford shampoo so I washed my hair with bar soap.

On a related note, when I was in college I looked homeless.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Breaking News

I went to Institute tonight, as per my usual Thursday night routine. Guess who else was there.

I'll give you a hint.

Yep. It's true.