Live and Learn

I hate it when I'm talking to someone, especially at work, and the other person uses a term with which I am unfamiliar. Usually I just play along like I know what's going on and most of the time it works. Most of the time, mind you.

Yeah, um, apparently "front loading" is not another word for "boob job."

New Game

Karen and I developed a new drinking game tonight while watching the first Presidential debate.

Every time the Senators referred to middle America as "Main Street," I took a shot of Diet Dr Pepper. And when the Senators pronounced a word incorrectly (pertickaly? really . . .) Karen groaned and took a shot of Diet Coke.

It's looking to be a fun night.

(Also, is Barack Obama allowed to say "orgy" on live television? And how many times is John McCain going to bemoan that he didn't win "Miss Congeniality"?)

Lost in Translation

Several of the students at my school speak Chinese. Today they were teasing me about not knowing Chinese.

"Oh, I speak a little Chinese, " I said.

"What can you say?" they asked.

"Beef and broccoli. With brown rice."

"That's not Chinese!" one boy exclaimed. "That's Spanish!"

Fourth Most Asinine Thing to Say to a Woman

"I'd be okay with dating a fat girl, if she was cool."

What's in a name?

My roommate told me about this website where you can find out what your name would be if you were Sarah Palin's child. My name? Ladel Torque Palin

Awesome.

I think my favorite is my co-worker's: Torpedo Vindicator Palin. That is the best name I have ever heard.

Find yours here.

"Favorite" Pet Peeve

When advertisers want to emphasize or highlight a word, isn't it funny when they put the word in quotation marks because it looks like they're using the word sarcastically or figuratively? You don't quite know if it's a "Great Deal!" or if the item is really "FREE!"

I googled (I never know if I should capitalize that or not) "incorrect quotation mark usage" and found this blog. It's mavelous.

Does the incorrect and superfluous use of quotation marks bug anyone else?

Intelligence Quotient

After all this talk of my sounding dumb in this medium (a blog, that is), I decided to find out the "readability" of my blog.

Turns out, I'm blogging at a college level (albeit just an "undergrad").

Am I the only one shocked?

Big Gulps, huh?

I stopped at 7-11 today for a quick beverage. (You know I can't resist Diet Dr Pepper on tap.) I stood at the cup holder and considered my options.

A regular-size Big Gulp was 99 cents.

A Super Big Gulp was $1.19.

A Double Gulp (64 delicious ounces) was $1.29.

Hello Double Gulp! Also hello being up at 2 am watching how to make banjos on the Discovery Channel because I'm on a killer caffeine bender.

As a side note, I have struck up many conversations by using information I've learned on the Discovery Channel. Between Jeopardy (best show ever!), the History Channel and the Discovery Channel, I'm sure I come across as 3-8 times smarter than I actually am.

Another side note: on this blog I sound approximately 6 times dumber than I am in real life.

Not another blind joke.

I had dinner with my roommate and her parents a couple weeks ago. During the meal, my roommate's mom mentioned that Tina Turner is touring again. When asked if she was planning on attending, she replied in the negative.

"But Mom," Karen exclaimed, "you love Tina Turner! You were her for Halloween!"

Karen's dad said, "So? I went as Stevie Wonder but I'm not going to see him."

"He's not going to see you either," I said.

I got a high-five from him across the dinner table for that one.

Office Odor

One of my work binders was falling apart so I ordered a new one from Office Max (love that place!). I got an "Ecovue" one that is 100% recyclable and biodegradable and made with 70% post-consumer content.

Yeah, but also guess what . . . it smells like p-o-o-p.

Special Diet

Many people, mostly strangers, have approached me asking how on earth I can stay in the shape I am even when I'm super-busy. Well folks, the secret's out. I follow a very special diet which I will now share with my faithful readers.

Breakfast:
1 Diet Pepsi
1 cheese stick

Morning snack:
2 bottles of water
1 fudge brownie

Lunch:
1 peach
1 Diet Dr Pepper
1 cheese stick
8 goldfish crackers
1 bottle of water

Dinner:
1 tuna fish sandwich
2-6 handfuls Lay's Salt & Vinegar chips
1 glass milk

Late-night nosh:
1 cold mozzarella stick swiped from roommate (ugh)
1 raspberry popsicle
1 bottle of water

Follow this diet closely and you may soon look just like me!

Staple this!

I'm getting a new stapler at work. I am more excited than such an occasion warrants.Isn't it fancy? It's from the "Executive Collection." Wha-ho.

Five Alive.

I opened my blog today and look what I saw! I'm so happy that I got to be the one to experience this wondrous thing.


Also, who are all these people reading my blog? In real life, I only know like 10 people. Maybe 15.

Nauvoo People

I went to Nauvoo and had a blast. I won't bore you with a lengthy trip itinerary, but here are a few of my fave pics from the trip.


Just for the record: the Dawson twins, pictured above, did not I repeat DID NOT go missing at any point during the trip. And if they had, Megan has the lowdown on what they were wearing.

Amazon Adventure

At the Aviary, we fed Sun Conures. It was wild.

Sorry about the video. It gets a little horror-movie-esque at the end.

Ladies and Birds

Liz, Britni, Rachel and I went to the Tracy Aviary this past Saturday morning. We had so much fun feeding the Sun Conures, chasing peacocks, and mimicking flamingos.

Pretty Rach.

Ack! He's coming right at me!

Liz the flamingo.
SQUAWK!

And Liz's crowning moment: chasing a peacock to make it show its feathers.

That's Rachel admonishing her at the end, by the way.

Inappropriate Behavior

Sometimes things happen to me that are pretty embarrassing and at times like that I think to myself, "This is sure awkward, but someday I'll look back on this and laugh and laugh."

And then that day comes that I can look back and laugh. And that day is usually Sunday and the moments that I look back and laugh are invariably during Sunday School when the teacher is solemnly making a deep doctrinal point. Also it happens during prayers.

Kim and Liz

We're freakin' hot and friends forever! BFF this!

Appeal-ing

I just got a fax from Commuter Services letting me know that my appeal has been granted.

Ha! In your face, Bill!

Kim, aka "Snarky Bizz-o"

On occasion, I have been known to be a little sarcastic and even, when warranted, "snarky." Today was such an occasion.

Let me set the stage for you:

One of my co-workers is very nice, but . . . ah . . . um . . . she's about as sharp as a bowling ball. You know, dumb as a bag of rocks. That kind of thing.

One time she and I argued about the location of Spain. I submitted that Spain is part of the Iberian Peninsula and is bordered by the Mediterranian Sea. She contended that Spain is in South America. ( I swear I'm not making this up. I actually pulled out a map and showed her. "Look, there. See? Spain. That's Europe. Yeah, all of it is Europe.")

Another time, she called in sick because she had a "fever" of 78 degrees. Now I know that this is possible (well actually I don't know, but according to wikipedia.org a human once survived a body temperature of 69 degrees) I'm just not convinced that my co-worker's claim was legit. She called and said, "Yeah, I'm just SO cold! I have a bunch of blankets on but I just can't get warm so I guess I can't come in." Right.

Today she came to me and said, "Hey, Kim? I just went into the kitchen and in the sink there were dirty dishes."

"Okay. . ." I said, wondering what the problem was.

CW: "So what should I do?"

Me: "Well, gee. You know, normally I would think that was a retarded question but I can see the problem here. My suggesting that you walk your [body part] back in there and perhaps wash them and quit bugging me with idiotic questions seems absurd."

CW: "Um, yeah."

Me: "Do you think I should call Security?"

Oh, I'm so mean sometimes. I feel slightly bad now.

Ha!

Many of you might see why I about fell out of my chair at work when I opened msn.com this morning.

Memory Game

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

Best Video Ever

This video was taken in a disgusting hole of a hotel in Omaha. The beds were not good on which to sleep but very good on which to jump.



Thank you Dalton for trapping me in the crevice of nastiness. I really appreciate that. Such a fond memory.

Hits the nail on the head.

I literally have a hole in my head. I hit myself in the forehead with a nail yesterday. I tend to hit myself in the face with stuff a lot. Huh.

Now I'm wondering if my nagging headache is some form of tetanus of the brain.

Violate This!

I work at the U of U and to park anywhere on campus, including my office, you need a parking permit. I had my permit displayed in the lower left corner of my windshield, as per the instructions of the girl issuing it.

A couple months ago I got a ugly little parking violation ticket stuck under my wiper that read,
***IMPROPER PERMIT DISPLAY**PERMIT MUST BE DISPLAYED BEHIND REAR VIEW MIRROR****

Oh, my bad. I didn’t know that rule. I paid the fine and moved my permit behind my rear view mirror. Yesterday, I got another nasty ticket stuck on my windshield reading, ***IMPROPER PERMIT DISPLAY**MOVE PERMIT TO LOWER DRIVERS SIDE CORNER OF WINDOW***

Seriously? That is exactly where it would be if Mr. “Campus Security” (typed disdainfully) hadn’t given me a ticket and told me to move it. I was so irritated, I almost said an expletive. Actually I did. (Don’t tell Mom.)

Today I wrote a very professional appeal letter to Commuter Services to explain my case. And I didn’t once call them poopyheads even though I really wanted to.

Also, does anyone know who Campus Security Officer #37 is? I totally don’t even like that guy.

Monkey Bidnez

Remember when you were a kid and how awesome recess was and that the monkey bars in particular were the greatest thing you had ever known? Yeah, they're pretty sweet and if you don't agree, you can just go home because monkey bars are the shiz.

Last night, while out for a jog around the neighborhood, I passed by the local elementary school and the local elementary school's playground, complete with several rows of monkey bars. It was like the Promised Land to the seven-year-old inside me (not literal).

I played on the monkey bars and that other thing (you know that thing that's like monkey bars but it's shaped like a domed cage . . . what is that called?) for a good 15 minutes. Meanwhile, a pertinent item of information was brought to mind: I'm old.

I did that thing where you swing your legs up over the monkey bars and flip upside-down and hang there. And then I couldn't get back up. Because I'm old. And there I was hanging precariously from my knees without any sort plan for getting down. And also it was cold. Eventually, I got down (oh, believe me--it was GRACEFUL) and went home.

This morning upon waking I was reminded again: I am old. My back and shoulders are sore and my hands are rubbed raw from the cold metal bars.

Why? Why do I do things like this?

Oh, by the way, Kim-antics are not over because my roommate has an amazing video of me high-jumping on the bed and it will be posted soon. Get excited.