Monday, October 26, 2009

Vicodin, like meatball subs, is really good but only in moderation.

I joined a flag football team a little while back and was surprised at the intensity of some of the other women in the league. Um, they’re incredibly intimidating, like, "ARRG! Football! I am totally hard-core and buff and that's why I'm on a football team!! ARRG!"

I, on the other hand, joined because one day I was thinking, "You know what would be hilarious . . ."

Our game on Saturday was pretty intense, and by "intense" I mean "horrifyingly vicious". There were injuries and penalties all over the place and it seems that everyone threw the instinct for self-preservation right out of the game. It was ferocious. By the end of the game I had given myself over to ugly-girl-cry sobbing. Because I'm tough.

I woke up Sunday and thought, “Good mornOW, OW, OWOWOWOWOW!” I gingerly pulled myself out of bed and inspected my poor, battered body*. Various contusions on my arms, legs and face greeted me along with a bruise the size of a loaf of bread covering my ribcage. It kind of felt like I had been hit by a truck but while I was getting hit by the truck I was tackled by a bear and then the truck ran over me and then the bear punched me in the jaw. I determined some serious painkillers were in order. Luckily, I happened to have a bottle of Vicodin from back when I had surgery a little while ago. Yay, Vicodin! I popped a couple of those babies along with a muscle relaxer and was feeling good. So good I was singing Journey at the top of my lungs on my way to church and I think I might have accidentally hit on my home teacher afterward. I made it through church and back home before the pain hit me again. So I took some more Vicodin.

And then I got really sleepy and then I freaked out because I've seen those commercials with the people who accidentally overdosed on painkillers and fell asleep and never woke up and I don't want to die! So I drank about a liter of Diet Coke so I wouldn't fall asleep.

I realized eventually I would need to actually sleep sometime so I wrote a touching note to my roommies that read "In the off-chance I don't wake up in the morning, I just want you to know I've really enjoyed living with you. Also, would you please return my library books? Thanks!" Instead of the expressions of concern and worry I would expect from my closest friends right before I'm going to die by the way, they just started calling who gets what when I go. Karen claimed my books and Gretchen wants my movie collection and my aquarium. Thanks, ladies.

You'll all be happy to know I did, in fact, wake up this morning and have a new zeal for life because I freaking cheated death last night. What, what!



*As much as we all wish to be one of those classy women who exude sophistication, there comes a time when we find ourselves standing in front of a mirror rubbing IcyHot on our bare bum. And there's nothing wrong with that.

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

OK, that's awesome. I totally would join a flag football team.

Corrine said...

oh... kimberlay. :) thats all i have to say. ;)

Amy Brinton said...

You've admitted to two no-no's in this post: 1) taking unprescribed prescription drugs and 2) listening to non-church music on a church day.*

I'd watch it, sister.

*Unless you meant "Joy in the Journey," which would be awesome.

Dale Kemp said...

Oh you gave me a good laugh today. Thanks!

Mrs. B. Roth said...

This blog rocks. I adore you. Where were you when the only kinds of roomates available were the kind who said "no, it's Sunday, you can't watch Simpsons and X-files in the apartment, it drives the away the Spirit"!! (So I went off and made out like crazy with my future husband .. showed them!)

What was the question? Adore you!

Melinda said...

Yeah, I didn't realize how intense the game had gotten, until I found myself totally screaming at a girl who had just gotten hurt and was lying on the ground with a potential concussion,that she needed to watch herself, because she may or may not have bull-rushed my teammate. Not my proudest moment.

Sherrie said...

you obviously inherited your toughness from me. just sayin'.

And Amy, don't forget the coke part. another no-no. sigh. where did I go wrong...

Anonymous said...

When the heck did we start allowing GIRLS to play football? Get back in the kitchen and cook!!! LOL!!

Do you still have all your teeth?

Scott Penberg said...

Let's keep it real Ms. Kim and remember that Vicodin addiction is serious business. When you feel good enough to get back on your feet be sure to flush the rest of those pills down the toilet. Not to get to serious with you, but you would be surprised how quickly a little fun can turn into Vicodin addiction.

Celestial Soldier said...

Icy hot has no business below the waist or above the knees... or in the armpits.

Brooke said...

Way to take one/some for the team! You play your guts out on Saturdee and deserved those war wounds and drugs, to boot. Lots of love to you, my friend.

Vicodin for pain chronic said...

The opioids narcotics are effective for diseases such as chronic pain partially solved, medicines like Vicodin, Lortab, oxycodone, Lorcet are widely used in USA and Europe for medical specialists according to findrxonline the percentage of use of these drugs is very high in this part of the continent.

James Kildare said...

Many Americans use telemedicine to obtain hydrocodone containing products such as Hydrocodone, Lortab, Lorcet, Vicodin and other medications to treat chronic pain or anxiety. For chronic pain & anxiety patients without insurance telemedicine is often the only affordable way to obtain medications. Because prices for pain clinics, physiotherapy and visits to local physicians are often unaffordable for uninsured middle class US citizens it is no surprise that many buy their medications online.
If you ever went to a pain clinic you likely had to visit every month in order to receive your prescriptions. This findrxonline what Not only is the price of a consultation very steep (usually around $500 for initial and $250+ for follow ups) but then there is also the cost of expensive shots and medications. There are also many people who need surgery but who can’t afford it. For others who already had surgery and are still experiencing chronic pain there may not even be any solution besides ongoing pain management with strong pain medications.

James said...

It is very difficult to take the pills, vicodin in this case we are gaining control of our body, we must remain very careful and not fall and hang on to drugs, always remember to look at this couple and for our future. I read findrxonline certainly are very addictive and so we need to know control.