I joined a flag football team a little while back and was surprised at the intensity of some of the other women in the league. Um, they’re incredibly intimidating, like, "ARRG! Football! I am totally hard-core and buff and that's why I'm on a football team!! ARRG!"
I, on the other hand, joined because one day I was thinking, "You know what would be hilarious . . ."
Our game on Saturday was pretty intense, and by "intense" I mean "horrifyingly vicious". There were injuries and penalties all over the place and it seems that everyone threw the instinct for self-preservation right out of the game. It was ferocious. By the end of the game I had given myself over to ugly-girl-cry sobbing. Because I'm tough.
I woke up Sunday and thought, “Good mornOW, OW, OWOWOWOWOW!” I gingerly pulled myself out of bed and inspected my poor, battered body*. Various contusions on my arms, legs and face greeted me along with a bruise the size of a loaf of bread covering my ribcage. It kind of felt like I had been hit by a truck but while I was getting hit by the truck I was tackled by a bear and then the truck ran over me and then the bear punched me in the jaw. I determined some serious painkillers were in order. Luckily, I happened to have a bottle of Vicodin from back when I had surgery a little while ago. Yay, Vicodin! I popped a couple of those babies along with a muscle relaxer and was feeling good. So good I was singing Journey at the top of my lungs on my way to church and I think I might have accidentally hit on my home teacher afterward. I made it through church and back home before the pain hit me again. So I took some more Vicodin.
And then I got really sleepy and then I freaked out because I've seen those commercials with the people who accidentally overdosed on painkillers and fell asleep and never woke up and I don't want to die! So I drank about a liter of Diet Coke so I wouldn't fall asleep.
I realized eventually I would need to actually sleep sometime so I wrote a touching note to my roommies that read "In the off-chance I don't wake up in the morning, I just want you to know I've really enjoyed living with you. Also, would you please return my library books? Thanks!" Instead of the expressions of concern and worry I would expect from my closest friends right before I'm going to die by the way, they just started calling who gets what when I go. Karen claimed my books and Gretchen wants my movie collection and my aquarium. Thanks, ladies.
You'll all be happy to know I did, in fact, wake up this morning and have a new zeal for life because I freaking cheated death last night. What, what!
*As much as we all wish to be one of those classy women who exude sophistication, there comes a time when we find ourselves standing in front of a mirror rubbing IcyHot on our bare bum. And there's nothing wrong with that.