In which I reveal how I talk like a five-year-old when I don't get my way.

My stupid phone broke again.

Fine. In its defense, I put phones through what can charitably be described as "cruel" and "unusual." I'm clumsy. I drop everything. I never think twice about throwing my keys and phone in the bottomless pit of my purse/vortex. I let children play with my stuff. I abhor germies and subject my poor phone to a thorough disinfecting process regularly. I'm basically a phone's worst nightmare. So this little soldier has valiantly fought the good fight.

But it still broke which means it's stupid. And it broke on that day which shall go down in history as "That One Time That a Bunch of Stuff Went Wrong and Then Kim Had Like a Total Meltdown Right There in The Cheesecake Factory Bathroom" which, let me tell you, was THE WRONG FREAKIN' DAY TO BREAK, OKAY? DO YOU HEAR ME? THAT WAS NOT COOL!

But this has happened before.The stupid phone broke and I took it back to the phone place and they gave me a brand spankin' new one. For free. Cha!

So I took the stupid broken phone to Verizon and said, "Hey, guys. 'Member how this phone is broken? Yeah? Can I haz a new one?"

And the Verizon guy (who, by the way, did not have a neck) was all, "Blah, blah, you've had this phone since 2007 (grimace) and blah, blah, warranty blah, blah. Basically, no, you can't have a new phone for free because VERIZON HATES HAPPINESS AND PUPPIES AND ALSO RAINBOWS."

And then I looked at the guy and then down at my phone and then back at the guy and then I sighed all dejectedly and whispered, "Well, that makes me very sad, sir."

And after informing him no thank you I do not want to buy a new phone and I will be just fine without a new phone and besides I just really like my old phone and you are not being a very nice friend right now I walked back to my car, went home and ordered a new phone.

Let's hope this one's up to the challenge.