Monday, November 30, 2009

Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters.

If you've interacted with me at all in the past month, you've probably heard at least twelve times that my little sister and her daughter were coming to stay with me for Thanksgiving.


Shopping at Gardner Village.

At the zoo.

Seeing the lights at Temple Square. (Also, engagement photo?)

During our Black Friday shopping adventures.

There's something special about sisters. Yesterday, as I stood be-slippered and shivering at the end of my driveway watching Sandra drive off into the gray morning, I felt the burning pang of homesickness. Not for any place, but for my sisters. I love all my brothers, I have a great relationship with my parents and adore my dear friends, but my fondest and best memories are the times I spend with my sisters.

Amy, Sandra, Michelle? Any of you want to move to Utah? It's really cold here and sometimes the whole city smells like egg salad. C'mon! It's great!

But seriously, Sandy, thank you so much for coming. It was great to have you around. Can't wait to see you again! (We'll have to finish our Canasta game eventually, right?)

Friday, November 20, 2009

New Moon Highlights

A quick recap:

Twilight: Bella, an angsty teen, likes a boy but knows there's something strange about him. She finds out he is a vampire. They commence making out. The End.

New Moon: Bella, an angsty teen, likes a boy but knows there's something strange about him. She finds out he is a werewolf. Then she goes off to find a vampire to make out with. The End. (Oooh, burn, Jacob!)

My favorite scene:

Bella: I'm really, really sad.

Jacob: Would it help if I took off my shirt?

Bella: No. Well, maybe a little.


A creepy similarity:

Aro, the head of the Volturi, reminded me of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It was freaking me out the whole 6 minutes of the movie that wasn't about how Bella was really sad.

This guy gave me childhood nightmares.

Why the people sitting next to me were shooting dirty looks my way:

On-screen, Edward disrobes.

Audience: Swoon

Kim: Holy crap! What is wrong with his nipple? Karen, do you see that?

Karen, crying with restrained laughter, is unable to comment.



Thursday, November 19, 2009

Words of Wisdom

Donny called me the other night and offered a little insight into what it's like in an military training facility.

On the weapons requirement:

I have to have my M-16 and my 9mm on me at all times. If I want to go outside, I have to have two weapons. If I'm eating, two weapons. Even if I'm in the bathroom, two weapons. Basically the only time I don't have to be armed is when I'm in the shower . . . with 15 other men . . . who I don't know . . . who are naked.

On communal showers:

You're in the shower and you turn around and some guy is standing there and your first instinct is to say, "Hey! What are you doing in here?" But then you look around and see you're in a big room with twenty shower heads and a dozen men and you say, calmly and a little sadly to yourself, "Oh. Yeah. I remember."

On the threat of being court marshaled and discharged:

Oh, yeah, that'd be awful. I'd have to go home. To my wife and kid. Where it's safe. Sheesh! I really want to avoid that at all cost.

On the applicability of his training:

I had to take training on Maintaining a Dominant Physical Stance. So, basically, How to Look Tough. The cool thing about this is it's something I can totally use when I get back home. "Oh, you won't give me a loan?" (strike pose) "How about now, buddy?!"

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Upon reflection, I've noted that the amount of times per day I get annoyed with my boss is directly proportional to the daily number of times she asks me to come fix her computer.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


A parent brought doughnuts into school today for all the staff. He put them on my desk and I, being all willpowery, declined to take one and asked someone to take the box to the teacher's lounge.

Critical mistake.

Within three minutes of the doughnuts being whisked away, I started craving one of those sugary little delights like you would not believe. But, after making a big show about how I Don't Want One, Thanks, I can't just slink over to the teacher's lounge now and get one. I would need an excuse to go to the lounge and do something then act all surprised to see doughnuts there and then say something like, "Oh, doughnuts? Where did these come from? I guess I'll try one."

But what excuse could I use? I considered my options and realized the only legitimate excuse would be to go refill my water bottle. Yet, I realized with chagrin, I'd filled it when I got to work and had almost a whole liter of water in plain sight on my desk. I have to drink it all first.

So now here I am, chugging water and thinking about how much I want a doughnut.

My life is ridiculous.

Monday, November 9, 2009

This girl is bananas.

My little sister called me the other day.

Sandy: "Hey, I was thinking about hermaphrodites today."

Me: "Best. Conversation. Starter. Ever?"

Sandy: "Huuh, yeeeeaah."

Later in the conversation she offered to send me a picture of her uterus.

I declined.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I guess they're in season

I went to Steinmart last night to buy something for my grandmother's birthday. I've seen old people milling around that store before and I expected it to be a good place for grandma-ish stuff. What I didn't expect was how pear-y it was in there. (Sorry for the poor picture quality; I only had my phone with me.)

Bowls of pears . . .

and tubes of pears,

special drawers for your pears,

pears on trays,

even pears in a punch bowl.

Look at these nice pea . . . . what? What is that? Get the hell out, lemon! This is a pear-only area!

I'm surprised the pear-holding capabilities of this tray were overlooked.

Steinmart, I'm a little disappointed.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Open Letter

Dear Kim,

Where have you been? We miss you!

your REM cycle

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Scary movies scare me.

Yeah, I know you're thinking, "Duh, Kim, that's the point." But I don't think you understand. Scary movies really, really scare me.

The other day I was watching a scary (edited for TV) movie in the middle of the day with all the lights on and commercial breaks and two other people within shrieking distance and I still couldn't take it. That's why Karen walked in the room to see me with my Snuggie* pulled over my head and me whispering, "I don't like it! I don't like it! I don't like it!"

Recently I was over at my dear friends' house watching The Omen (p.s. not really that scary). At one point something onscreen frightened me into a severe panic and I lunged over the coffee table, onto the couch and into the lap of a very startled man. On the way over the table, unfortunately, I knocked a glass and sent it shattering across the room. Yes, I am awesome.

To make amends for my lunacy, I purchased a set of the glasses and brought them to my friends with a note:


So sorry my spastic and reckless behavior has brought such destruction to your home. Here's hoping this peace offering makes up for my behavior. (I purchased a full set in faith that I might be excused for any future occurrences of temporary insanity.)


I hope the friendship can be salvaged. Also, I am really entertaining to watch scary movies with. Want to be entertained? Rent The Shining and invite me over. (Note: use only plastic glasses.)

*Have I not mentioned my Snuggie before? Funny, I thought I had.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Who can guess the point in the meeting where my ADD kicked in?

It's a mystery.