Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Woe is Desk.

My desk, the desk that was so pristine just this morning, is not scattered from here to Never-Never Land with the most alarming assortment of half-completed projects.

It's so discouraging (isn't it just really?) to begin a beautiful work day at a beautifully clean desk knowing that in 9 short hours it will look like the aftermath of one Hurricane Wednesday!

It's just the kind of thing that makes a girl want to look up old boyfriends on Facebook and not ever begin anything at all!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Deeply Embarrassing Confession #531

Right Said Fred's hit "I'm Too Sexy" is my favorite song and I sing it every time I remove anything from something else. 

When I'm getting undressed, it's "I'm too sexy for this blouse, too sexy for these jeans, oh so sexy!"

And in the shower it's "I'm too sexy for this dirt, too sexy for this grime." When I take off nail polish I remind myself that "I'm too sexy for this pink!"

Even if I were to eat an orange, I would be singing "I'm too sexy for this rind, too sexy for this pith, too sexy for these seeds!"

And I also tell inanimate objects what they're too sexy for. When it's time to do the dishes I hum, "You're too sexy for this spaghetti, too sexy for this oatmeal!"  And when my baseboards get scrubbed, they know they are "too sexy for that dust!"

Monday, May 17, 2010

Maturing is not really my thing.

When I was a teenager I used to drive around town with all the windows down, listening to Weezer a little too loudly, sipping an icy-cold Diet Dr Pepper and trying to imagine how anyone in the world could be cooler than me.

Today I drove around town with all the windows down, listening to Weezer a little too loudly, sipping an icy-cold Diet Dr Pepper and still trying to imagine anyone cooler than me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ten Reasons Going to the Utah Renaissance Festival was the Best Decision I Ever Made

1. Gretchen practically hyperventilated upon finding out it was not only a Renaissance Festival but a FANTASY FAIRE as well. And then I had to stop in the middle of the road with cars impatiently revving their engines behind me so we could snap a picture of the sign.

2. The parking lot was out in someone's field and it was so crisscrossed with tractor ruts that we were catching air the whole time. And then there's this guy who was gesturing like, "The awesome is that-a-way."

3. The lady at the jewelry booth thought Gretchen and I were lesbians. That was awesome.

4. Where else can you get a picture of your roommate (or lover) wearing a pretty princess tiara in front of a giant skull flag?

5. Because who can have a Renaissance Faire without an inexplicable pirate ship in the middle of a field?

6. Conversations like this:

"That's a really cool dragon."

"Um, it's not a dragon. It's a unicorn."


7. Seeing two grown men in costumes and tights hit each other with swords . . . .

 . . . until one of them gets hit in the manhood . . . .

. . . . so the other men in costume had to take over.

8. Jousting. 'Nuf said.

9. Gretchen volunteered me to wear the ridiculously heavy helmet so she (and several others) could mock me.

10. Roasted turkey legs. Holla!

I can't recommend it enough.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

This is really the kind of stuff that happens to me.

I got hit by a car last week.

Well, okay, not technically hit by a car. More like the car and I made contact.

Okay, FINE. I hit a car. By walking into it. (This car was in motion at the time. Did I mention that?)

I was waiting for a car to pass before I crossed the street and, just as he passed me, he inexplicably slowed down (maybe it was for a duck that had wandered into the road, maybe not. Maybe we'll never know). And, what do you know, I stepped off the curb just as he slowed down and walked right into the back of his car.

The driver, bless his little heart, jumped out yelling, "Oh my gosh! Are you okay? What happened? Oh my gosh!"

"Uh, well," I mumbled, "I think I might've run into your car."

He stopped short, eyebrows sky-high. "You . . . ran into . . . . my car?"

"Looks that way."

Because, apparently, I am that awesome.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Actual Conversation That Actually Happened in My Actual Office Like Two Minutes Ago

Boss, typing an email: "Kim, how do you spell 'Tigger'?"

Me, without looking up: "T-I-double guh-er."

Boss: "Uh . . . "

Me: "Wait. Are you asking for real?"

And then I sang this for her:

Because Monday and all, you know.