In other news, I have had plenty of caffeine today.

But HAPPY MONDAY, everyone! And how are you? And wasn't the weekend wonderful?

Did any of you watch Conference? Me too. There is now a permanent cavity in my couch in the exact shape of my tushie from sitting through all 8 hours (plus a little HGTV between sessions to cleanse the palate).

Wouldn't it be lovely if we had GC weekends more often? It's so full of wonderful things. 

Cinnamon rolls!

Spiritual edification!

Spiral notebooks!

PAJAMAS!

But also? I look simply dreadful today. When my alarm sounded this morning, I said "No thank you!" and spent the next 37 minutes of my life cuddling up to my pillows and watching reruns of The Office. Can you even get over that? So I rushed through my morning routine and many steps of my makeup procedure fell by the wayside. I am even relying on last night's eyeliner. Surely this is not the proper respect to give a Monday!

I am debating in my little head whether I should take a long lunch and hop over to the mall wherein you will find a Victoria's Secret, wherein you will find a makeup bar, and with which you can create beauty. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who takes full advantage of the VS makeup bar. Any other white trash ladies out there? Represent!)

But of course it is a drizzly, drippy day and my hair, which did not get its usual dosage of Anti-Frizz Smoothing Serum this morning, might stage a full-scale revolt under these conditions if I venture outside without my dear pink-and-purple-stripey umbrelly which is safe and warm and dry in the car.

So it is a fight over hair or face. Hair? Or face? Who can choose? I understand this sounds satirical but it is with full sincerity that I sit and ponder here.

And what a blessed life I live that this is the dilemma of the day?

Also, tell me, what is the best thing about your Monday? 

This is the story about how I am emotionally volatile and also I didn't get to punch anyone today.

"I don't know what is going on with my mood swings lately, " I told Gretchen last night. "I feel like I'm on the brink of a complete emotional breakdown and yet I have this overwhelming desire to punch someone really hard right in the face."

"That . . . is . . . awesome," she announced, while staying on the other side of the room lest I actually do begin punching things/people. This conversation took place just after I sobbed my way through this week's Project Runway. I don't know why. I don't even like that show.

(Yes I do.)



ANYWAY . . .  Today has been beautiful. I'm in my office all morning, happy as a lark. Just to give you an idea of what my mood has been like, I'll tell you that around eleven I was standing on my office chair belting out Kenny Rogers like there's no tomorrow. That is what is called Being Professional.

(I was trying to get something off the top of my cabinets. It's not like I just climb up on my chair in the middle of my office and sing for no reason.)


(Yes I do.)


ANYWAY . . .  So we're gliding through the day just fine until someone informs me that one of our vendors, the one who has been giving me nothing but grief for six solid months, has dropped the ball yet again on something that I have talked to them about like nine million times. </exaggeration>

BLIND, SEETHING, OUT-OF-NOWHERE RAGE.


"Oh, don't you worry," I told my dear, slowly-backing-away-from-the-crazy-person coworker. "I'll call them right now and get this fixed." And then I laughed an evil, maniacal laugh. Oh, I was so happy. I was going to call the guy and tear. him. apart. He was going to tremble in his chair. He was going to regret the day he ever crossed me. I didn't even care if the problem was fixed. I just wanted to yell at someone. And I wanted to make him cry.

(I am an amazingly pleasant person. Look up "nicest person ever" on Wikipedia and you'll see a big picture of me. Caption: Sings Kenny Rogers and likes to cause permanent emotional damage to others.)

I hopped on the phone with the guy and laid out exactly what was wrong. I paused (for dramatic effect) and took a deep breath, readying myself for the wailing I was about to deliver.

But before I could start, he jumps in with, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! This is so awful! You must be so frustrated! You have been so patient with us over the past few months and I can't believe this happened! I am so going to take care of this right now!"

And, deflated, I mumbled, "that will be fine," and "thank you," and "that sounds good, sir."

Before we got off the phone he asked if there was anything else he could help me with and so I asked if perhaps next time he wouldn't be so polite and helpful. 

"Um, what?" he asked.

"Well, you were just really nice and it was annoying because I really just wanted to yell at someone but I can't yell at someone who's being so helpful."

"Oh. Well, you can yell at me now if you'd like," he offered.

"No, it's okay," I said. "Just maybe remember it for next time."

"I will make a note of it on your account right now."

"Thanks."




The end.

What I shouted to myself while walking down the street and listening to an audiobook on my iPod:

"Height! Height! 'Heighth' is not a word, Dan Rather! It's height!"


I don't understand why I get so many funny looks.

I'm really not this insensitive.

Instant messaging is a weird way to communicate because, unlike talking on the phone or in person, you don't know if the other person is saying something until it's right there in black-and-white. Sometimes both people will type at the same time causing an overlap in the conversation. This can lead to some awkward exchanges.

Take this one from a recent chat with my sister:

Sandy: [Our close friend] died yesterday in a horrible accident.

Me: I saw a goat today.

Sandy: He fell asleep at the wheel.

Me: Just running down the street.

Conversations with Mom, #38

Mom: Hello?

Me: Can we get Teddy (our very old and corpulent family dog) stuffed when he dies?

Mom: What!?

Me: You know, by a taxidermist?

Mom: Uh, if you want him you can do it.

Me: Okay.

Mom: Was that the only reason you called?

Me: Yup.

I can see into your soul with my glowing eyes.

I don't like vinyl-coated paper clips.

Things I Do Not Get

The whole peanut butter & chocolate thing.

This flavor combo is completely nauseating to me. Why is it in all the food these days? Of all the flavor combination this one seems to be the pushiest. It's all over everything!

It's like the chocolate people said to the peanut better people, "We are both delicious on our own. Perhaps we should join forces and become nigh unstoppable! We'll get in the cookies! And then we'll get in the ice-cream! And we'll get in some cupcakes! And we'll get all up in the candy aisle! AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C. TO TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE!"




Calm down, choco/peanut man.

And get your flavor out of my face.

Nutrition by Kim

It was pretty late when I got home the other night so my quick-fix dinner idea was a little something called Bowl of Chocolate Animal Crackers.

And I washed it all down with a glass of organic, fat-free, vitamin-enriched milk. That is what is called Making Healthy Choices.

Today's Word of the Day feels slightly more poignant than usual.

Sherrie-Baby