Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I wouldn't even know how to take LSD

Hey remember when I was all like, "Ahh! My head!" and you guys were all, "Just go to the freakin' doctor, already!"? Well, I went to the freakin' doctor. (And thus we see that Kim will do whatsoever the Internet tells her. This can be a very valuable tool for you folks at home.)

So I say to the doctor, "I have these frequent, excruciating headaches that come and go in intervals and I don't know what causes them or how to stop them." So Doc runs some tests and makes me keep a "headache diary" which is a fancy phrase for "write down everything you eat and do and every headache you have and then promptly lose the paper and when the doctor asks about it you tell him, 'I misunderstood the assignment.'" He even did an MRI on the ol' cranium and input all the information in the Very Fancy Brain Computer and finally came back with a diagnosis: "You have what is called 'cluster headaches' which are frequent excruciating headaches in intervals and we don't know what causes them or how to treat them," to which I said, "Yeah but remember how I kind of already had all that information and also could I have my $300 back please?"

Apparently, the University Hospital had a very strict no-returns policy.

Doc told me cluster headaches are called Resistant to Treatment. I told him that news is called Unhelpful, Thank You Very Much. It seems, though, I have a fairly mild case; while it is uncomfortable to feel like I'm being stabbed in the left temple several times a day, some people have it chronically, meaning all the time, yo. In reading up on treatment options, I found out some patients find relief in LSD and psychedelic mushrooms. If that's not the awesomest thing you've ever heard, you are clearly not me.

Unfortunately, I won't get to try out these methods as I'm still Mormon and they still have that no-getting-high-on-'shrooms policy.

12 comments:

Mrs. B. Roth said...

yeah? you only eating meat in winter and times of famine, then, too? No? WELL, then, get some LSD.

I know a guy.

that's how my logic runs.

Sherrie said...

That's my girl. Obedient. Even if it hurts.

Dale Kemp said...

But it isn't bad, naughty, and/or sinful if it's medicine is it? Perhaps if you didn't enjoy it it would be OK.

But it might still be illegal so better to jump on the legalize marijuana bandwagon. A little weed might help.

;-)

Amie said...

I love the title of your post. I have commented to people before that I wouldn't even know where to get illegal substances and certainly wouldn't know what to do with them. Maybe there are workshops under the viaducts.

Anonymous said...

If we are allowed to use tobacco to heal cattle than clearly you should be able to chew on a few mushrooms to clear up some whenchin' headaches.

momof8 said...

hey, if the doctor tells ya to . . .

Kim said...

Hang on, Anonymous . . . did you just call me a cow?

Lauren said...

And I think he wants you to use tobacco!

yamanin said...

I've read sensory deprivation and shamanic drumming can produce altered states of consciousness similar to hallucinogenic drugs. That's probably like the organic, decaf, non-alcoholic, Mormon-safe version of LSD.

Dale Kemp said...

I have a friend that does acupuncture for pain and she says it actually works.

There you go, problem solved, no drugs needed.

Just dozens of little needles.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous didn't call you a cow! Holy cow! Stop being so sensitive and go crew on some 'shrooms.

ammyers0604 said...

lol this is so funny--I wonder if your bishop would approve for "medicinal purposes"! As long as it helps right?! I hope you feel better...that is so frustrating to know what is wrong and there is nothing you can do about except get high!