Hey remember when I was all like, "Ahh! My head!" and you guys were all, "Just go to the freakin' doctor, already!"? Well, I went to the freakin' doctor. (And thus we see that Kim will do whatsoever the Internet tells her. This can be a very valuable tool for you folks at home.)
So I say to the doctor, "I have these frequent, excruciating headaches that come and go in intervals and I don't know what causes them or how to stop them." So Doc runs some tests and makes me keep a "headache diary" which is a fancy phrase for "write down everything you eat and do and every headache you have and then promptly lose the paper and when the doctor asks about it you tell him, 'I misunderstood the assignment.'" He even did an MRI on the ol' cranium and input all the information in the Very Fancy Brain Computer and finally came back with a diagnosis: "You have what is called 'cluster headaches' which are frequent excruciating headaches in intervals and we don't know what causes them or how to treat them," to which I said, "Yeah but remember how I kind of already had all that information and also could I have my $300 back please?"
Apparently, the University Hospital had a very strict no-returns policy.
Doc told me cluster headaches are called Resistant to Treatment. I told him that news is called Unhelpful, Thank You Very Much. It seems, though, I have a fairly mild case; while it is uncomfortable to feel like I'm being stabbed in the left temple several times a day, some people have it chronically, meaning all the time, yo. In reading up on treatment options, I found out some patients find relief in LSD and psychedelic mushrooms. If that's not the awesomest thing you've ever heard, you are clearly not me.
Unfortunately, I won't get to try out these methods as I'm still Mormon and they still have that no-getting-high-on-'shrooms policy.