Monday, June 8, 2009

Just one more reason I'm going to hell.

Sometimes in church I find myself thinking, “Wow. I really hope there are no investigators* here today.”

I had this thought yesterday in Sunday School when we had the most disjointed lesson . . . and the poor guy teaching—oh you could tell he was nervous and maybe a little unprepared so I was trying to be nice and supportive, but he pulls out this story about ULTIMATE FIGHTING and this guy with a mohawk and some “paunchy” guy and letmetellyou I don’t know who was dishing out the crazy before the meeting but everyone seemed to be following along with his tie-in to the gospel and the Plan and what have you and I felt like the only one silently screaming, “SERIOUSLY, DUDE?”

Because it didn’t. really. make. sense. and kind of sounded like it was just a ploy to talk about ULTIMATE FIGHTING in church. But let’s face it, who hasn’t tried the old bizarre-metaphor-just-to-mention-a-cool-experience-in-a-lesson? Huh? HUH? That’s what I thought.

I texted my friend in the middle of the story (yeah, I know, FOR SHAME!) with “What the hell is he talking about?” She guffawed a little because apparently you’re not supposed to say swears in church or even type them.

So we finally get to the chapel later and halfway through Testimony Meeting the guy (you know, the Sunday School ULTIMATE FIGHING guy) stands up and walks to the podium. I whisper to my friend, “Remind me later to tell you the crazy story he told in Sunday School.”

Turns out I didn’t need to because blesshislittleheart he gets up and tells THE EXACT SAME STORY in the EXACT SAME WORDS. Oh, but this time with more detail and extra nonsensicalness. I could hardly bear it. I say to my pew-mate, “I want you to stab me. Please. Just make it stop.”

I glanced around to see if maybe everyone was getting the deep doctrinal points found in ULTIMATE FIGHTING and I was just the crazy sinner who was missing the whole thing. Then I saw practically everyone who sat through his lesson listening with a barely-concealed smirk and I was comforted that I was not the crazy one. You have no idea how much reassurance I need on that issue.

Anyway, it was awesome and I’m terribly sad I didn’t tape the whole thing for you folks at home. Here’s a little sampling of what you missed: “And the guy had a good 18 pounds on him and just starts sprinting, ya know. And he was going fast, like how fast can you sprint? Do you know, Brad? Anyway, it was fast and the other guy was cut, I mean seriously, and he had a mohawk** and everything. I bet you’d like a mohawk, huh, Bradley? And I thought for sure it was over because, I mean that guy was a serious fatty.”

This blog post brought to you by the makers of Kim is a Jerk and Makes Fun of People With Abandon and Without Thought of Repercussion

*Did you know we Mormons call non-members who are interested in the church “investigators”? Isn’t that a cool title? What a way to impress the ladies, huh? “Hi. I’m . . . . an investigator.” God help us if we ever need to report a crime. Someone will tell us, “You can go explain everything to the Investigator over there,” and we’ll all go, “Ooh, do you want some pamphlets?”

**Because mohawks are the source of all physical power, don’t ya know?


Megan said...

My favorite part, and by favorite I mean I would rather go to the dentist than sit through either meeting again, was when he drew a parallel between "the really cut guy with a mohawk” and Satan. What does that make “the fat guy that could easily just be a coach potato?” I also loved how he decided to roll the Brad joke over to sacrament and the lucky half of the congregation didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

Kristina P. said...

I was talking to my husband in church, looking for the Sunday School class, and I said, "Where the hell are we supposed to go?" I felt horrible. Not really.

Melinda said...

Is that what he meant?? I thought it was a lesson on the Word of Wisdom, and how we all need to go on diets. Weird. Maybe I didn't get the meaning of his deep analogy because I was distracted by the dear sister in the wildly inappropriate short, knit dress who decided to walk out midway through the class. All I will say is she was not wearing a slip, and was very clearly wearing a thong. Gross.

Anonymous said...

This blog post makes me angry. You know why? Because this is the kind of story I would like to steal and post on my blog, like I am that cool and funny, but, unfortunately, you know where my blog is. Anyway, in closing I just have to say..

Best blog about a f and t meeting. Ever.

p.s.-I wouldnt be suprised if Satan was cut and had a mohawk. That's how I have always pictured him anyway.

Brooke said...

Wow, Kim, this post was relatively light on the cuprunnethover of CRAZY that was our ward Sundee last. Thanks, Melinda for mentioning the shirt-caught-in-thong debacle, but lest we forget the comments made over the pulpit re: the want of a wine cellar in a home in CA... Kim, I think you had bailed by that point. It was too much to handle. Not to mention the my-skirt-has-a-rip-and-not-just-a-little-rip-but-like-a-huge-rip-so-sorry-if-I've-flashed-any-of-you testimony.
You think you're mean?

Kim said...

Actually this post was quite a bit longer at first and included mention of the little display we got in SS--I just had a prick of conscience . . . and didn't want to publish the word "wedgie" on the blog.

Molly Hickcox said...

i needed to take a xanax after our meetings yesterday. just sayin. it was almost too much to handle for one sunday.

Emilie and Branden said...

Omigosh. I thought these things only happened outside of UT, like in L.A. We had the awesome experience of testimony meeting there this month when a homeless member said "I know I'll be a rich & famous superstar" about 20 times from the pulpit.