Monday, June 6, 2011

A Treatise on Exactly How Much Teenagers Suck, Also the Revealation That I Am a Big Ol' Prude, And A Bonus Photo of Poop.

If you know me well, you'll know that I really dislike 3 things: mushrooms, dishonesty, and teenagers.

(Not regular teenagers, though. I'm talking about teenagers.)

So there's this park, you see, about a mile and a half from my house and it has a path around it and I like to run there. But also teenagers like to hang out there. Yeah, just hang out. Like sit around. I never thought I'd be one of those crotchety old people who complain 'bout kids these days but, seriously, do any of them have jobs or homework or anything?

Sidenote: Have you ever driven by a group of teenagers and felt the frantic desire to roll down your window and yell, "Get a job!" at them? Because, really now.

Anyway, these teenager punks hang out at the park and talk about things that they shouldn't even know about at fifteen. I often have to quell the desire to march up to them and demand, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" a phrase I was often mortified by in my teenage years thanks to my own mother. In fact, I have to bite my tongue often to keep from giving these kids quite a piece of my mind. Pieces of my mind include:

  • Girls, you do not need to talk that way and dress that was and be generally skanktastic for these boys. These boys are dumb and that's that. 
  • Boys, try forming a sentence without using the f-word six times. It will be a new and exciting challenge!
  • I'm not sure what your purpose is of talking about doing very bad things when there are clearly several adults within earshot. Perhaps you think it makes us think you are cool and grown-up? Well, here's the deal: we don't think you are cool and grown-up. We think you suck.
  • We all know you use the bathroom at the park to smoke pot. We are okay with this. But please, please stop pooping in the sink.

But I don't tell them any of this because someday they'll grow up and be embarrassed by their dumb teenage selves, just like everyone else has before them.

So I just turn up my Lady Gaga (don't even act like you don't) and keep running.


Kristina P. said...

I've worked with teenagers for 13 years now. I call them punk ass kids, affectionately. The things they know and the things they have done at such a young age, would blow your mind.

But I do like working with them. And yes, they should get a job!

Melinda said...

I SO get you on the "I like teenagers, just not TEENAGERS."

I was totally an obnoxious teenager, so you'd think I'd have some patience, but no. I often have very similar thoughts to yours and would love to say something, but don't. Not because I think they'll grow out of it, but because I think they'll pull a gun out and blow my head off. I live in a really great area...

)en said...

I'm totally scared of teenagers.

Ok: EW EW EW @ the pic of poop!! Not allowed. I would completely forbid this except it's funny that the pooper didn't even get most of it in the sink. Good try.