Ten Ways I Do Not Want to Die

1. Cut up with an axe

2. Impaled on a spike (or really impaled on anything)

3. Removal of limbs by force

4. Slowly poisoned by someone with Münchausen by proxy

5. Eaten by iguanas

6. Roasted on a spit (impaled on a spit)

7. Spit on*

8. Avada Kedavra’d

9. Sharks

10. Trapped in something


* Possibly not life-threatening.

The most dangerous thing I've done this year. So far.

I'm not a winter sports kind of girl. Actually, I abhor the snow with everything in me.

Snow=stupid and I hate it

So you'd think I wouldn't be an ideal candidate for snowmobiling, excuse me, sledding.

When I think of a sled, I think of something like this:

But apparently, people from up here in the frigidness of Utah call these suckers "sleds":

Whatever.

Anyway, I went sledding with a couple of my favorite guys this weekend.

This one:

And this one:

And this is me on a sled:

And it was pretty cool.

That is all.

I'm trying to figure out my favorite part of yesterday.

Was it:

. . . when Liz, during Relief Society announcements, mentioned that I could really use a date?

. . . when I sat right next to the bishopric in ward council ergo they heard every snarky comment I made during the meeting?

. . . when I volunteered to be the CPR dummy for the Elders Quorum first aid training?

. . .when I spilled a 32-oz Diet Dr Pepper on my laptop and it still works?

. . . when I flipped off my roommate right in front of the home teachers?

. . .when Liz and I sang jubilantly and in unison, “I love dem swine, they is dee-vine, I love dem pigs, they make me want to dance a jig, la-lah!” to the bewilderment of everyone else in the room?




I love that movie! My favorite lines are from that same farmer: “Blue? You et Blue? Tommy, get your friends out of here!” Later, to wife: “Honey, I got some bad news. Ol’ Blue’s dead. Some nasty little boy down the road et him for Christmas.”

I'm laughing so hard right now. Crazy woman at her desk.

Oh, man. Cheesy Movie Sunday Night may be my very favorite thing on earth. It combines some of the best things ever: my roommates (shucks, I kinda like you girls), junk food, and horrendously hokey filmmaking. Anyone interested in joining us? I think next week we’re planning Anxiously Engaged, although I’m still pulling for The Buttercream Gang. (“You never once asked what happened to me in Chicago! You never once asked me!”)

All Because of a Really Long Meeting

I really wanted to leave at 5 today. I know it seems unlikely but it was my goal. This morning I made a list of everything I needed to get done today so I would be sure to leave by 5. I even crossed things off my list as I did them.

Well, it's 5 and . . . .

Yeah.

Guess who'll be working tomorrow!

All About Matt

My youngest brother is Matthew Jon Raynor. He is 6-and-a-half.

Matt is the youngest of the Raynor clan, coming in at number 10. Matt is very good at soccer and running. On the way home, he likes to get out of Mom's minivan at the end of the block and race the family home. Matt is also the best Wii bowler in the house! Matt likes to read, do math and play video games. His favorite books are Captain Underpants (?) and books about animals, especially sharks. Matt loves the color green and likes frogs. His best friends are Ben and Ian. Matt is very funny and loves to crack jokes and make people laugh. His family calls him "little rascal" because he is always so silly.
My dad's favorite thing about Matt is that he is always smiling. My mom's favorite thing about Matt is how tender-hearted he is and that he always tells people he loves them. My favorite thing about Matt is that he's so tasty!

One day I was talking to my mom on the phone when Matt rushed in and demanded to know who on earth his mother was talking to for so long.

"It's Kimmy," she replied.

"Oh, yes! My favorite sister!" Matt shouted.

Matt, we all love you so much!

At least the girl was hot.

I caught a matinee of Knowing yesterday and I just have two questions:

1. Is Nicolas Cage on drugs? No one can be clean and still look that weird.

2. Does Nicolas Cage teach an acting class titled "How to be really creepy in every scene"?




I would also ask, "What is an MIT professor doing driving that huge truck?" but then the rest of the movie was weirder by far and his vehicle doesn't seem that important anymore.

I can't really recommend this movie because I don't want everyone to think I have horrible taste in movies but if you have seen it, call me because I want to talk about it with someone. Like about that tree in the end. And the rocks. And the whisper people's progenitive abilities.


In other news, I had a tortilla chip yesterday in the exact shape of Virginia. It was pretty cool.

TMI Tuesday

Welcome to another installment of Too Much Information Tuesday! (Yeah, yeah, I know it's Wednesday but I didn't have time to do it yesterday and anyway it's my blog so suck it.)

Today's TMI item: When I'm kissed, I mean really kissed, I let out a barely audible little moan.

"Hmmm."

I never realized it until someone pointed it out to me a few years ago. I covered my face, absolutely mortified. "No, no," he assured me, "I think it's really cute!"

So although kissing opportunities for me have become rather, ahem, scarce lately, I'm still banking that it's cute and not at all weird. Do you agree?

This TMI Tuesday has been brought to you by My Parents Totally Read My Blog. Awesome.

Sarcasm: the gift that keeps on giving

I either need to:
a) stop saying sarcastic things (Yeah, like that's gonna happen.) or
b) stop saying sarcastic things around young children. Because children repeat everything you say. Over and over and over.

All I'm saying is I probably shouldn't have called the UPS guy a "flippin' genius" for leaving my boxes out in the snow yesterday because that has become the insult du jour around these parts.

Wonderful.

Things That Make My Life Easier

1. My big tough SUV. This is nice for when someone slides into my bumper on snowy mornings, like what happened today, and I am hardly jostled. White Rhino practically shivered with pride when the guy apologized profusely and I responded in my grittiest, tough-guy voice, "It's no prob, man. She can handle it," while patting her on the backside.

2. The fraud department at JP Morgan Chase who caught some joker using my credit card information (!), stopped him and then fixed the problem on my account and then helped me terminate the card and get a new card, all the while assuring me that it was all going to be okay and I wouldn't even be affected by it and that, yes, the credit card stealer was a very big meanie-head and he shouldn't do things like that to nice girls like me.

3. The IT guy here at work who, after telling me my entire account was lost (meaning all my work was gone, vamoose, disappeared) fixed the problem and found all my files. For this, he secured a handsome hug from me, plenty of adoration—my hero!—and I might have even pledged my everlasting love to him, although I'm not sure about that last part. Oh, and also I should back-up my work, whatever that means.

Love these things today! What's made your life easier?

Something I Saw

While hiking on Saturday, I stepped off the trail to allow a mountain biker to pass. As he passed, I noted the rider wasn't on a mountain bike at all. He was on a mountain . . . unicycle?

I had my journal with me and jotted down, "I just saw a guy riding a unicycle in the mountains. Is that odd? I don't know anymore."